


Please Leave A Message

by SmashGenesis



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comedy, Crack, F/M, Nathalie's Thirsty, Oblivio - Freeform, One Shot, Silly, barely even au, shoulder angel, shoulder devil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-24 02:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18160562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmashGenesis/pseuds/SmashGenesis
Summary: What if Gabriel Agreste's voicemail named Nathalie as his secretary?Well, for one thing, probably not this.





	Please Leave A Message

**Author's Note:**

> Got the idea for this while watching today's episode. Let's hope Nathalie would react better than this in canon.

_“This is Gabriel Agreste’s voicemail. To leave a message, please contact my secretary, Nathalie.”_

           There were three things Nathalie Sanceour hated more than anything else. Firstly, she hated Ladybug, who had purified fifty akumas in the past year, foiling her one true love’s plans again and again. (Well, _at least_ fifty akumas. Nathalie had stopped counting around thereabouts.) Secondly, she hated Chat Noir, who aided Ladybug in her heroism every time. (Well, almost every time, but Nathalie preferred not to think about when the other superheroes helped, especially Queen Bee because she called The Butterfly’s outfit ridiculous that one time. How rude!)

           And thirdly, the thing she hated above all else, more than anything in the world, more than Ladybug and Chat Noir…

           …was Microsoft Office software.

           Currently, Nathalie sat in a chair in Gabriel Agreste’s white atelier, doing both her jobs, which were making sure no one came in and doing paperwork. The first, more important job was easy enough, but as she stared at the computer monitor in front of her, images of dousing the Microsoft Corporation Headquarters in gasoline and then “accidentally” tossing a lit match onto the premises flashed through her head. The imaginary screams of everyone who developed Excel, the hypothetical crackle of their searing flesh as it burned made her practically yip with joy like a puppy.

           “Deep breaths, Nathalie. Deep breaths,” she reminded herself. She was a sometimes-supervillain, she could conquer a measly spreadsheet.

           And speaking of supervillains, there was currently one out in Paris, fighting Ladybug and Chat Noir for their Miraculouses. Nathalie gazed at the picture of Emilie that hung in the atelier, even though she definitely wasn’t hoping that The Butterfly would emerge and ask her to help him with the Peacock Miraculous, no sir, she absolutely wasn’t thinking about the hot victory make-outs they’d have after she helped vanquish Ladybug and Chat Noir, definitely not. If she told herself that enough, it would become true and she could stop lusting after a married man, no matter how much of an SILD he was.

           (That stood for Supervillain I’d Like to Do.)

           Nathalie’s phone buzzed, and she reached for it, happy for the distraction from Microsoft applications. Picking it up, she saw that Adrien was calling.

           _That’s odd,_ Nathalie thought. _Isn’t he on a field trip right now? Why would he be calling?_ “Hello, Adrien,” she said as she answered the phone.

           “Nathalie!” came Adrien’s panicked reply. “Please, I need to talk to my dad!”

           _Dad? He usually calls Gabriel his father…_ Nathalie suddenly had a very bad feeling, but answered as professionally and calmly as she could. “Your father is in a very important meeting right now.”

           “Nathalie, please! I’m trapped in an office building with a supervillain and I don’t remember anything! My dad’s not picking up his phone and his voicemail said to call Nathalie and you’re the only one in my phone called Nathalie! Please, I’m almost out of batteries!”

           Nathalie dropped her phone like it was hot, and it hit the desk with a slight _thump._

           “Hello? Nathalie, are you there?”

           “Er, I’ll be just a moment, Adrien.”

           Hitting the mute button on her smartphone, she exited out of the spreadsheet on her computer, and pulled up a livestream of the attack. In the bottom corner of the screen, was Nadja Chamack, giving news coverage of the event.

           “Don’t be bemused, it’s just the news…” she said as she read off a tablet with squinting eyes. Apparently, the supervillain had wiped her memories, too. “Since early this afternoon, a supervillain by the name of Oblivio has been erasing the memories of everyone he comes across. Ladybug and Chat Noir are tracking him down in Montparnasse Tower.”

           Nathalie closed the livestream, leaned back in her chair, and fell onto her back as the chair flipped over. She let out a cry of surprise as she hit the cold, hard floor. Cold and hard. Just like her life now. Gabriel had been right. Adrien _was_ Chat Noir, even if the boy didn’t know it.

           “I’ll need _extra_ tequila tonight.”

           She lay there, realizing she was forced to choose between the married man she wanted inside her, and the safety of an innocent child. It was the most difficult decision she’d ever had to make.

           In the back of her head, a soft, angelic voice sang. “Nathalie… Nathalie… Do the right thing, Nathalie. Keep Adrien’s secret. You care about him as much as you care about Gabriel, even if it’s a different kind of caring.”

           “No, don’t listen to her!” said another, more sinisterly devilish voice. “Tell Gabriel the truth right now, and everything will work out! Chat Noir’s Miraculous is half of what you need, and without his help, Ladybug won’t be able to win! Gabriel will love you forever!”

           Nathalie stood up and brushed herself off. “I’m sorry,” she said, “but aren’t you supposed to appear on my shoulders?”

           The devil voice snorted. “Ugh, that’s such a cliché. I might be evil, but I won’t stoop to bad storytelling!”

           “He’s right, you know,” said the angelic voice. “Bad stories, especially comedy fanfics, are the worst kind of evil.”

           “I… I see.”

           “Yeah, and you’ll see more of Gabriel’s hot dad bod if you tell him this secret! C’mon, don’t you want take him to Pound Town, USA?”

           “We’re in France.”

           “Yes, that’s right,” the angel said. “You’re French, and Frenchwomen have standards!”

           “Oh, and Americans don’t? Some angel you are, sweetheart!”

           “You know what I mean, you devil! Besides,” the angel went on, “if you help Gabriel get the Black Cat Miraculous, it’ll be that much sooner until he gets Emilie back. Then, he’ll never notice you!”

           The devilish voice said nothing at first, and neither did Nathalie she considered this. The angel was right – she couldn’t tell Gabriel the truth. But she’d have to think of something to tell Adrien…

           “Gotta admit,” the devil said, “that is _evil.”_

“It’s just pure logic.”

           And then, the voices went silent.

           “Pure logic…” Nathalie mouthed. Were they trying to tell her something with that? Some way to keep every thing at the status quo?

           Realizing that she’d spent too long talking to herself, she reached for her phone.

           “Adrien, are you there?”

           “Yes, yes I am! Is my Dad coming?”

           Here it was. The moment of truth, where everything would be decided. She opened her mouth to say something, anything to get the amnesiac Adrien off her trail.

_Please, I’m almost out of batteries!_

           The words flashed in Nathalie’s mind, and suddenly, she knew exactly what to do. “What’s that, Adrien, you’re breaking up!”

           “I said”-

           “Oh, I can’t hear you, what, oh no, your phone must be almost out of batteries. I guess you’re on your own, good luck not dying, you have a fencing lesson this evening, bye.”

           Nathalie hit the red button on her phone’s screen, ignoring Adrien’s protests, and sighed deeply. The deed was done, and her path was set. There was no going back now.

           A proud smirk creeped onto her lips as a weight lifted off her chest.

           “Nailed it.”

           On a completely unrelated note, the CEO of Microsoft was found murdered a few days later, and secretaries the world over rejoiced.

**Author's Note:**

> So does anyone know if the windows at Montparnasse Tower are actually tinted like they were in the episode? That's the REAL question I want answered.


End file.
